MY CAT* REVIEWS 13 DOG MOVIES  

Friday, 17 March 2017 23:58

1.

One Hundred and One Dalmatians

I had no idea this was a horror movie. Way too many dogs in one place. Frankly, it made me uncomfortable. It should have been just one Dalmatian and a man with a laser pointer.

 

2.

A Dog’s Purpose

Highfalutin nonsense from start to finish. A dog’s purpose is to make all the other animals on earth seem bright by comparison. And yes, I “get” the whole “reincarnation” angle. I have nine lives. Ten if you count the extra one I get for rubbing off the secret gold box on the scratching post.

 

3.

Turner and Hooch

Didn’t know which one was Turner and which one was Hooch but a.) I couldn’t care less and b.) sometimes I can’t tell the difference between $1100 drapes and a $3 cat toy.

 

4.

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Poor dog stumbles into rich family. I liked it better when it was called “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.” And no, I’m not being racist. You guys started the racism when you said black cats are bad luck.

 

5.

Air Bud

Yeah yeah yeah… sure. A dog can dunk a basketball. And I can play centerfield for the Yankees while playing a clarinet. Seriously. Grow up, people!

 

6.

Best in Show

Wow, dogs who aren’t begging for food for nine whole seconds! What a spectacle! You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Everyone knows you’ve all had work done!

 

7.

Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey

You wanna hear about an incredible journey? I left my house through the attic, slid down the roof, scaled a tree then jumped off a telephone pole and hid in the tailpipe of a Jetta for sixteen miles to get to a scummy alley until this tub of drek movie ended.

 

8.

Beethoven

87 minutes of slobbering. I wish I’d worn my raincoat. If you wanna end the drought in California just get five St. Bernards to stand over a reservoir.

 

9.

Lassie

“What, Lassie? Timmy’s trapped in a well?” Well f*#% Timmy! He’s a simpleton! I was once trapped in a hat box for a month and I dealt.

 

10.

Cujo

A friendly dog contracts rabies and conducts a reign of terror on a small town. That’s not a tenth as scary as when the discount Weimaraner my owners got off some hoarder on Craig’s list chases me under the bed and keeps me clinging to the headboard until the UPS man knocks on the door and I can escape to the top of the closet.

 

11.

Lady and the Tramp

Aw, that scene where they share the same strand of spaghetti is adorbs! Kidding. I’d rather share a decomposed mouse with a vulture.

 

12.

A Boy and His Dog

Not half as exciting as “A Boy and His Animal-Who-Doesn’t-Require-Anything-But-Some-Occasional-Sunlight-Because-I’m-Completely-Self-Sufficient!” Incidentally, I think the original title was “A Two-Legged Loser and a Four-Legged Loser.”

 

13.

Marley and Me

So people actually ante up $12.50 to sit in a theatre and watch a dog die? That seems like a bargain.

 

*Brian Frazer does not have a cat but is pretending he does.