DOGS AND THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE: A RUFF RELATIONSHIP

Tuesday, 21 February 2017 18:50

The bond between a dog and his or her human is a special kind of bond, and every dog-human relationship is unique. But the English language has a hard time describing the kind of affection we feel for our four-legged companions. We say we “love” our dogs, but it’s not the same kind of love we feel for a person. In many ways, it’s more pure. But there’s really no other word to describe it accurately. And how are we to refer to ourselves? Are we dog “owners”? No, too possessive. Dog “guardians”? Nope, feels like legalize. Dog “parents”? Well, technically speaking, a “parent” is a biological term. So when it comes to the way we communicate our thoughts about dogs, the best you can say is — “it’s complicated.”

 

Some of our expressions about dogs are pretty harmless — like how we refer to certain teeth in our mouths as “canines.” Makes sense — they look like the teeth that dogs have. But the English language is also full of expressions about our four-legged friends that either make little sense or are actually offensive. Like when we say “he was beaten like a dog,” as if somehow the beating of a dog is a standard by which other beatings should be measured. News flash: there is literally no excuse for ever beating a dog.

 

Here is a list of 10 dog expressions which I feel should be retired from the English language forever.

 

1) Let sleeping dogs lie: This expression presupposes that dogs are vicious animals that will attack you if disturbed. I wake my dog up all the time without incident, and I assume you do too. I wake her up to eat, to go outside to pee, and sometimes when she’s laying on me and my arm falls asleep. Let’s let this idiom lie.

 

2) It’s a dog-eat-dog world: Sure, life can be hard, but comparing any situation to a dog eating another dog is just abhorrent.

 

3) Gone to the dogs: This phrase is supposed to be synonymous with “no longer useful” or “tainted.” Why is it bad for something to go to a dog? I give only good things to my dog, and so should everyone. Besides, we should all be so lucky to be able to have a dog in our lives for good things to go to. For me, if something really went wrong it would “go to a place where they are no dogs.”

 

4) As sick as a dog: This doesn’t even make any sense. Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say “as sick as a sick dog who is exactly as sick as you are with the exact same sickness”?

 

5) If you lie with dogs, you’ll get fleas: Simply not true. I lie with my dog every night, and I’ve never gotten fleas. Also, if your dog has fleas, don’t lie down with it.

 

6) You can’t teach an old dog new tricks: Actually you can, and you should. The best way to keep a dog mentally spry is by constantly challenging it. And by the way, when used to refer to people, it’s even more untrue. Lifelong learning is great. This idiom is idiotic.

 

7) Happier than a dog with two dicks; This expression is trying to suggest that the ultimate form of joy for a dog is being able to double up on licking itself downtown. First of all, if you know anything about dogs, you’d know that there are many other things that make a dog happier than licking himself, like chasing a ball or toy or eating treats or going to the vet until he realizes he’s going to the vet. And also, if a dog is obsessively licking himself like that, it actually might mean that he has some sort of injury or irritation, and should be seen by a vet. I’d be happier than a dog with irritation-free genitals if this expression went away.

 

8) Work like a dog: Dogs don’t work. Dogs play. Dog work is in fact dog play. If anything has “gone to the dogs,” it’s this expression.

 

9) Leading a dog’s life: According to this idiom, if you’re miserable, you’re “leading a dog’s life.” There are too many dogs living miserable lives, and we shouldn’t be flippant about it. Also, for the most part, a dog’s life is pretty great. I wish I could live my dog’s life just for one day.

 

10) Screw the pooch: I never really thought about this one until now. But now that I have, I feel sick.

 

Tom Cohen is an Emmy-winning TV and film producer/director, writer and proud dog and cat parent. He’s also the author of  Dogs With Old Man Faces