PURSUIT OF DOGGED PERFECTION

Wednesday, 01 March 2017 01:27

In our ceaseless efforts to correct Nature’s first drafts, no species has eluded mankind’s ability to improve upon the clumsy hammer and tongs of evolution. We’ve reshaped the giant aurochs of Europe into the easily transportable and nearly rectangular cow, vicious wild boars into cuddly digestible spheroid pigs, and there’s probably something out there that we’ve turned into a triangle for some reason. Let’s say chickens.

It is humanity’s closest companions, though, that have benefited most from our loving abhorrence of imperfection. Look what we have made of wolves. One wonders what yesteryear’s sleek and fearsome predator would think were he to come upon a modern English purebred bulldog and learn that this was his progeny. Undoubtedly something along the lines of “yes, yes this is good. Here is a worthy heir to my noble legacy,” before striding, heart lightened with gratitude, back into the mists of oblivion.

But where will it end? It won’t! It shouldn’t! The biological origami that turned canis lupis into greyhounds and German shepherds, that now gives us with Labradoodles and Cockapoos, will soon bestow upon us Golden Retreagles, Dalhuahuas and Miniature Giant Teacup Antelope Mastiffs! Accelerating advances in genetic manipulation will only serve to feed man’s relentless desire to create hybrid monsters and name them Bootsie. Today’s Piterriers will seem run of the puppy-mill when compared with the exotic abominations that wait only a credit card away in the not-too-distant-enough future.

Excerpted from The K-10 Holiday Season 2025 On-Line Catalogue:

SKU771-9a – “Nana” – Inspired by J.M. Barry’s loveable canine nursemaid.

The day this gen-mod Newfy shows up at the Darling’s townhouse her adoring namesake is bound for the bone yard! Nana comes standard with variable discipline settings from “ineffectual guilt-ridden academic” through “Magda Goebels.” All software features upgradeable via nasal USB. In nursery mode, Nana provides comprehensive child-care, including regular vaccinations delivered from her tail-grafted scorpion stinger to thrice daily feedings through her NutraVitaDogMilk dispenser-teats (now fully approved for humans consumption.) Nana is 87% Newfy, 10% Golden Retriever, 3% Orangutan. She is loyal, honest and makes an excellent estate dog. Her impressive lexicon (four accents available) allows her to tutor in all subjects through high-school level, answer phones or convey instructions to household staff. All drawbacks of the breed have been selected out —excessive drooling is handled with genetically altered sea-sponges grafted into both cheeks, and the Newfy’s traditionally strong “doggie breath” has been re-tuned with the addition of a wintergreen aroma nucleotide to her own cuddly twenty-second chromosome.

SKU618-43g – “Spott” – The perfect first pet!

Spott was derived from a weighted average of the eight most companionable and lowest maintenance species (Is that a hint of coati? You bet!) and has been bionetically augmented for simplicity of ownership. Incapable of inflicting harm or defending itself, Spott is sometimes referred to as a living plush toy. To the untrained eye, he is indistinguishable from a Springer Spaniel, but for the absence of claws or teeth. (Baleen – it’s not just for whales anymore!) Spott is born sexless, conferring upon you endless possibilities for gender re-assignment while eliminating the inconvenience and moral ambiguities of surgical neutering. And speaking of “eliminating,” when it comes to waste management no animal could be less trouble. Spott’s special diet (SKU #618-fd “MeaLiquid”) has been formulated to produce almost no residue. What minimal odor remains is reduced by 99.98 percent with an internal filter, modified from the animal’s own liver. The organ’s activated charcoal pouch (SKU 618-43fp) is easily replaced via a Velcro-closing port located where the genitals would normally be. Waste is then encapsulated by a modified platypus ovary, and the final product is an impact-resistant leathery egg-sized “CraPod,” released once a day from Spott’s chute. Stand back—for reasons not yet understood, these can be expelled at up to 70 mph!

SKU273-16m – “Gerde” – The original Swiss Army Dog!

Gerde was derived from a St. Bernard, “scooped out” and re-loaded with features to make her the leisure adventurer’s most valuable piece of equipment/companion. Titanium rib-cage volumizers let you outfit Gerde with all the amenities of a small RV, including sink, stove, TV/MP3 player and mini-fridge. Appliances are powered by conger eel voltage organs, genetically modified to grow parasitically inside Gerde’s own muscles. Current is delivered by induction, so no touching her while she’s moving! In an emergency, Gerde can be deactivated for use as a survival shelter. Power generation continues for up to 48 hours following cardio-pulmonary shut-down, and auto-deployed embalming sachets delay the corpse/shelter’s putrification until well after her owner’s rescue.

SKU34h – “Pinta” – Cute just doesn’t do it!

Weighing less than four ounces, Pinta is the Guinness-certified smallest non-fetal dog in the world! Though only slightly larger than a field mouse, scrapings grafted from a red-winged macaw’s cerebellum bestow enough personality for a dog EIGHT TIMES HER SIZE! Induced hyper-thyroidism produces huge brown eyes that’ll melt your heart, and thanks to the accidental coupling of her pigment gene with a highly mutagenic retrovirus (whoops!) Pinta’s coat is available in more colors and textures than any model in our inventory. (Most popular? Pink chinchilla of course!) Many owners, however, prefer the hairless option, as Pinta’s nearly transparent skin allows you to witness her miraculously tiny circulatory system franticly pumping away. Optional “Kennel Broach” allows you to wear Pinta as a fascinating and unique living jewel. Feeding, walking and cleaning are non-issues given the animal’s eighteen-hour life span. Order in packs of three, eight or twenty. FedEx only.

SKU429 – 88gx – “Baskerville” – The first and only word in guardian/cargo dogs*.

Wherever personal security or long haul cartage are required, Baskerville is there to answer the call. Just try and stop him! This nearly full ton of lethal carnivore is not recommended for the small apartment dweller. Cortical-implants and accompanying digital controller make Baskerville a no-questions-asked rapid response system designed to heed your commands in micro-seconds with ferocious accuracy. “Wipe down” feature ensures he not only dispatches attackers with passion and skill, but also consumes every scrap of evidence, making no small contribution to his own upkeep. Since he is capable of locating and securing food independently, households with other pets or small children are well advised to maintain re-enforced safe rooms. That big appetite goes to fueling his three hundred fifty pound carrying capacity. Riders welcome! With optional trailer hitch, take advantage of his one thousand pound towing capability. Replacement tendon and ligament cartridges make field repairs simple, bloodless and nearly pain free. Purchasers must undergo background checks, as Baskerville is classified as a weaponized organism throughout all 50 states and NATO signatories. No international orders, please.

*Baskerville’s genome is a 99 percent hybrid-cross of Secretariat and a Bengal tiger. An inserted Rottweiller hemolytic protein, tolerated with time released internally delivered immuno-suppressants, qualifies 429-88gx for certification as a “dog” by the Veterinary Association of Liberia.

SKU171-05b – “Jake” – For all intents and purposes, a human child.

A gen-mod golden retriever, all fur is confined to the top of the head. It is bipedal and can learn to speak at the level of a precocious nine-year old by its second birthday. Make sure to have a pen handy – this clever charmer will provide material for literally dozens of “Metropolitan Diaries” every day! Jake will remain in this state of maturity throughout its 10 to 14 year life-span. It is friendly, intelligent, athletic, obedient, kind and charismatic. At 11 or 12 years some “progeriation” may occur, with wrinkling of the skin around the eyes and jowl expression, but these can be deleted with a simple out-“pet”ient procedure. If age-reduction is infeasible or unsatisfactory, early termination with credit applied toward replacement is available.

Now accepting orders for our “Simu-lebrity” line, available for delivery in Spring ‘27!

Ned Goldreyer is the author and illustrator of “The Biggest Dog in the World – Quite Possible a True Story,” available at thebiggestdogintheworld@gmail.com